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Nov. 30th, 2006

smile2

(no subject)

Because I'm always copying the cool kids:

36 Vicodin RPG quotes.

Tried a new paint-splotch style. Not sure if I like it or not, but at least they're entertaining to read. XD

What a twisted family PPTH is.Collapse )

Aug. 28th, 2006

concerned

Refresh

I just refreshed my inbox again.

Why?

I don't even like him.

And yet, I'm worried that he's not planning on emailing me back. Because I don't want to send him another email asking him to email me. I can't and I won't.

Once is a novelty, but twice is just pathetic.

But why do I want him to email me?

Because it's a chance to see him the way Jamie sees him?

Maybe.

Because he's funny, and witty and clever?

And insulting, and sarcastic and rude.

Because I'm lonely.

I know that he's probably just busy-- I know the hours that doctors work after being married to one for three years, and his are even more irregular, from what Jamie said.

But at the same time, I find myself wondering if he's not writing back because I took the joke too far, cracked a few too many for them to be funny anymore. Too many for them to still come off as harmless banter between... what? Not friends. Between two people that both know the same man. (He said it himself, Jamie is all we have in common.)

Or maybe I'm just afraid that I'm not joking.

Or that he's not joking. (He has to be joking. Even when he's serious, he's joking.)

I just refreshed it again.

God, I am pathetic.

Aug. 27th, 2006

notsmiling

Jamie

I don't miss him.

This would certainly come as no shock to his friends, but it came as a shock to me.

I miss the concept of him. I miss the pretend world that I lived in for nearly a year, when he would walk through the door after a long day; I'd have something resembling dinner on the table, and he'd give me that look. The 'honey, I'm home,' look that until I married him, I thought only existed in old movies-- captured somewhere on a rusty film reel, but long since forgotten by such a modern, practical world.

I guess I was right the first time.

I wanted it to work. I wanted to have someone to grow old with, someone I could count on, someone that would always be there for me when I needed them-- and so did he. But I think we both knew that we weren't going to find that in each other.

I married him anyway, of course. He was handsome and charming and everything I'd always wanted.

Except in love with me.

It was at the beginning of the second year, that I began to realize he was slipping away from me. Drawn away by something I couldn't measure, someone I couldn't see. Like a ghost. At first I was angry, and then just sad for awhile.

After that, I met Steven.

After Steven, there was Mike.

And after Mike, I stopped pretending that they didn't exist. And that was when something happened that I didn't expect.

Jamie didn't notice.

For someone who'd cheated as much as he had, I thought he'd catch on immediately. But then again, maybe that's what blinded his eyes.

He didn't smell the cologne that wasn't his, didn't question the unmade bed that he knew he'd fixed hospital-tight that morning. (He always insisted on making the bed himself, I think it was because he didn't like the way that I did it. He needed that perfect crease on the edge, the seamless, wrinkle-free surface that he knew damn well we were just going to mess up again, usually sooner than later.)

In the end, I told him. In the middle of an argument over that stupid green tie. I hate green, and he knew it, but he bought that tie because he knew that she liked it. Not the woman he was having an affair with, she was some dumb bimbo from the accounting department. But her. (I didn't know it right away, but he soon fixed that.)

I'm not jealous of her anymore. Now I'm jealous of them.

I wish that I could find someone like that.
flirty lean

November 2006

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